I used to think that I was strong and that I voice my opinions when I need to stand up for myself. I used to think that I was strong enough to say "no." Now I find myself in a crossroad; a crossroad where I can either take the easy route that is free from guilt, or the hard route where I know life will never be the same ever again. I always told myself that I will live my life the way I want to live it, but then I find that I was sorely mistaken. What people are thinking, saying, whispering have made me succumb to a person that I myself do not recognize. Is this who I have become? Have I become my worst nightmare? A woman who has no voice, no opinions or any self-worth. For as long as I remember, I valued a woman who never ever forgot her worth. I valued a woman who voiced her opinions despite the inevitable negative feedback she is bound to get. Yet, I find myself in a situation where it has dawned on me how all these years I lost myself. I lost my fire, my spirit, my soul. I have become this drone that speaks when spoken to and always does what is expected, never wanted. Other people's opinions and how they saw me became so important that I forgot what I wanted for myself. I cannot even look at myself in the mirror because I feel like a failure. All these years and I feel as if there is nothing to show for it and all the beliefs that I thought were secure in my mind and heart feel like a lie.
It came to a point when I had a realization, a revelation of sorts. It took me breaking down, neverending tears pouring out of my eyes to realize that I do not like what I have become. I have become so scared to stand up for myself like a groundhog who runs away when it sees it shadow. The announcer tells the audience, "It looks like 6 more weeks of winter." Snow, darkness, cold, desolation once again prevails and I am once again stunted from the possibility of spring; of renewal, sun, warmth and birth. Fear has taken over and I let it rule my life. I let fear keep me from my potential. I let fear win. My dad talked to me long and hard. Tears poured from his eyes and it was hard to take. He told me that I need to do what is right for me. That he will someday be long and gone, and that I will have to stand on my own two feet. My dad told me that no one on this earth will help me, always be there when I need a lending hand. I need to take care of myself and take charge of my life.
Now the crossroad has shown its face again. What will I do? Will I let myself be swayed once again? Will I finally find my voice? Honestly, I do not know. However, all I know is that I cannot be in this place again, stand stagnant and desolate. I need to breathe again, love life again. I need to find my voice. I need to have conviction. I need to finish what I set out to accomplish. I need to be me again. So what will it take? It will require every fiber of my being. It will not be easy, but when I think about it the best things in life are not easy to get. They take total faith in self to accomplish. I need my voice and I need to stand up for myself. If I do not, then I will never be truly and utterly happy about anything. Life would just be montonous and cold, bereft from the pleasures that life has to offer. It is time to take a stand. It is time to take my life back.It is time to be set free from this cage.
It is time to change my life for the better.